The Drake, Kelly Oubre ‘beef’ proves just how good the rapper really is Drizzy is firmly planting himself as a storyline in the NBA playoffs — and the Wizards star may just be a pawn

The Toronto Raptors are up 2-0 in their first round series against the Washington Wizards. And in those two games, Drake has finagled himself into the series’ storylines. Prior to Game 1, he engaged in Instagram comment warfare with John Wall. Exhibit A:

This led to the “God’s Plan” rapper taunting Wall from the sideline during last night’s Game 2. Exhibit B:

During the same game, Drake and third year forward Kelly Oubre crossed paths as the cameras caught the former calling the latter “a bum.” Exhibit C

Leave it to social media to recover an old Oubre tweet from 2011 where the Wizard star said the rapper had no swag—which was deleted almost immediately following Tuesday night’s game. Oubre downplayed the incident, saying the two were jawing back and forth all game. Exhibit D:

The trash talk compounds to a fascinating subplot in the playoffs that highlights court side celebrities involving themselves in the game—most recently evidenced by Dwyane Wade and comedian Kevin Hart in Game 2 of the Sixers/Heat series. But the dynamic isn’t new — the league’s greatest athlete-celebrity rivalry was Reggie Miller and Spike Lee. But let’s focus on Drake for a second. Whether you deem him a fair weather fan or not, there’s no denying his love for the NBA. There’s also no denying everything he does is with a purpose. Drake is either rap’s savviest director, an evil marketing genius or a lovechild of the two. Look no further than last week’s Atlanta episode appropriately titled “Champagne Papi.,” which even served as part of the rollout for his newest anthem “Nice For What”—which, this week, supplanted his previous No. 1 in “God’s Plan” for the top song in the country. And on Monday, he announced the title for his highly anticipated new album—Scorpion dropping in June. All the pieces matter.

His hometown Raptors are the top seed in the Eastern Conference. A potential second round matchup against LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers sits on the horizon pending both advance. And his album could very well drop dead square in the middle of the NBA Finals. From Fortnite to hit TV shows, Drake has firmly entrenched himself in several culturally relevant conversations. The NBA playoffs are just his latest muse.

Miami Dolphins’ Charles Harris on why promoting multiple sclerosis awareness is his passion ‘I feel like it’s about time for Kansas City to have an athlete that actually comes back to the community’

For Charles Harris, giving back to his hometown of Kansas City, Missouri, is important.

“I feel like a lot of people come from places and then never come back,” Harris said. “I feel like I’ve never seen an NBA or NFL player growing up in Kansas City versus other cities like ATL, L.A., St. Louis even, where you got a lot of athletes who are good or productive and always come back. I feel like it’s about time for Kansas City to have an athlete that actually comes back to the community, comes back to the city, to actually do stuff for the city.”

The 23-year-old Miami Dolphins defensive end is doing just that. Ahead of the University of Missouri’s pro day in March, he gave of his 14 former teammates who participated in the event a pair of new Jordans.

Harris is also an advocate for multiple sclerosis awareness. That’s because he watched his mother, Deborah Clark, battle with the disease that takes over the central nervous system and disrupts the flow of information between the brain and body.

“I wanted to bring attention to it,” Harris said. “Initially it started off as I just wanted to do something for my mom, with me wanting to make some dope cleats for my momma so she can have something to see.”

In December 2017, he participated in the NFL’s My Cause, My Cleats campaign, which allows players to wear non-standard cleats to help raise money for charitable causes. He chose the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation.

“Growing up with Mom’s condition, she’s always reached out to an organization, she’s always asked for it, but they never reached back,” Harris said.

Now that he’s in the league, he believes he’s in a position to advocate for those affected by the disease and help his mother get the resources she needs. “I plan on doing bigger things with the Multiple Sclerosis Foundation this upcoming year. I got some things in the works, such as pledge where every time I get a tackle the money goes to the foundation.”

Harris’ desire to help his mother and his family doesn’t stop there. After being selected by the Dolphins as the 22nd overall pick in the 2017 NFL draft and signing a four-year, $11 million contract with a $6 million bonus, Harris decided to purchase a home for his mom in Tifton, Georgia.

“Back in August of last year, right after I got drafted, we started searching. I didn’t know where to put them, and I asked them, ‘Where do you all want to live?’ My grandmother is from Tifton, Georgia, and she was like, ‘I always wanted to go back to where I lived,’ back to the town where she grew up. I then asked my grandfather, and he was like, ‘I’ll go wherever your grandmother goes,’ and mom was like, ‘Shoot, I’ll go wherever they want to go.’

“I’m gonna say everyone has probably seen it as the thing you’re supposed to do, like buy your mom a crib, take care of your parents, all that kind of stuff,” Harris said. “From a budget standpoint, I was like, ‘Anything for my momma.’ I know I can make it back. It’ll also motivate me to make it back.”

He also surprised his mother with a personalized gift.

“I got her a Chrysler Pacifica too, 2018, the mobility van, so she can get around.”

Harris’ mother depended on a transportation service to attend her doctor’s appointments.

“It’s hard for them to have services that you would have versus the inner city, so for my mom to get around, they’d have to hire somebody else,” Harris said. “I made it to where she has the mobility van where she can just put a wheelchair in there and everything, so she can go out on her own versus having to depend on another car service.”

Harris’ work ethic kept him aware on the field, but off the field, he worried about his family.

“It’s kind of hard because it’s the first time having money and really being in the league, so it’s kind of hard for me to be away from home, knowing I just got paid, but I can’t do anything about it. Like my family, everybody’s still in their same situation,” he said.

He plans to launch his own foundation next year.

James Harden is the front-runner for NBA MVP, but not in jersey sales The Houston Rockets superstar’s No. 13 only ranks ninth — and something isn’t adding up

The annual drop of the NBA’s top-selling jerseys has arrived, and there’s an especially glaring takeaway. For some reason, Houston Rockets superstar James Harden — the most gifted offensive player on the planet, whose name is essentially Sharpied in as this season’s league MVP — ranks ninth in sales.

Ahead of him (in descending order) are Joel Embiid, Kristaps Porzingis, Russell Westbrook, Kyrie Irving, Giannis Antetokounmpo and a top three of Kevin Durant, LeBron James and Stephen Curry.

Harden’s mark at No. 9, which he also notched in 2016, ties the highest spot he’s ever reached in his career. And this year — despite leading the league through the regular season in points per game (30.4), while ranking third in assists per game (8.8), on the best team in the NBA — the jerseys of four players younger than him (Embiid, Porzingis, Irving and Antetokounmpo) are flying off the racks at a higher rate than his Rockets jersey.

But maybe folks in Houston just don’t like jerseys like that. J.J. Watt, the leader of the Texans and a three-time NFL Defensive Player of the Year, ranked 16th in NFL jersey sales from March 1, 2017, to Nov. 30, 2017.

You gotta think the Beard isn’t trippin’ though. He has a $200 million contract with Adidas to go along with the four-year, $228 million extension he signed with the Rockets last summer. And by June, Harden will be named league MVP. Maybe that’ll give more fans a reason to put his No. 13 on their backs.

‘Atlanta’ recap: Season 2, Episode 7: The great Drake scavenger hunt Stunting is all a facade

Season 2, Episode 7 | Champagne Papi | April 12

Keeping with the theme of the past two episodes, Atlanta returned with yet another solo excursion. This time giving us the long-awaited Van episode.

The writing was on the wall after she and Earn’s falling out in episode four, and last night’s installment only solidified one truth — getting over someone is hard. The opening scene with Van and her squad (Tami, Candi and Nadine) featured an all-too-familiar conversation about birth control and the disdain for condoms. But it was also the beginning stages of Van’s ultimate plan, and one that has become so customary when attempting to move past a former love interest. “Do it for the ’Gram” is a disease that has infected nearly all of us at some point. And Van had a full-blown case of it.

She’s on Earn’s Instagram stories and instantly plummets into her feelings when she sees him with another woman. From there, the plan is hatched. She’s going to this party hosted by Drake (more on that in a moment), and if nothing else, she’s going to stunt for social media. Not because she necessarily wants to have a good time, but because she wants Earn to see her with Drake. On the surface, it’s a foolproof plan. It’s Drake we’re talking about here. She’s bound to be the muse for one of his future songs, and the last thing Earn would want to hear is Drake singing melodies about meeting Van at his New Year’s Eve party. But on the flip side, it reveals how sadly inauthentic people become on social media.

The Drake house party is exactly how you’d expect a Drake house party to look. From the shuttle in a parking lot taking the girls to the mansion to the one chick forging a Drake invite to wearing footies over shoes so as not to scuff up his marble floors, everything seems to fall into place. Even down to the gummy edibles, which aren’t exclusive only to Drake — every party has edibles if you know the right person to ask — but I’d imagine there’s no shortage at a Drizzy party. From there, the girls split up. All, in their own way, on the hunt for Drake.

Before moving on, let’s give it up one time for the Drake marketing department. Just days after the release of his already smash single “Nice For What” and the simultaneous drop of the superstar-laden video, he now has his own episode on arguably the hottest show on television. As I previously said about Atlanta, nothing Drake does is without careful, meticulous planning. He knew this episode was on the horizon, and it wouldn’t have surprised a soul if “Nice” somehow appeared in the episode.

Nevertheless, the entire experience is a wash — falling in line with a theme of the entire season where the idea of heroes is destroyed. Not Drake himself in particular, but the idea of being around a superstar of that caliber. None of the girls finds Drake. Tami bounces early with her DJ boo to a T-Pain party, which should have been a clear indication Drake wasn’t at his own party. Candi is too caught up on an interracial relationship at the party to care about anything else — but she did give us one of the most hilarious scenes of the season when she cussed out the white girl on the couch. Van, who thank the heavens avoided the creep whose cousin is Drake’s nutritionist, finds out Drake is Hispanic (while actually wearing Drake’s clothes she took out of his closet because, no, that’s not weird at all). She also learns all the pictures from the party with girls posing for selfies with Drake were actually life-size cardboard cutouts. Again, the allure is destroyed, and no number of Instagram filters can change that reality.

However, it’s Nadine, tripping off an edible for the majority of the entire episode, who actually tied the whole thing together. It made sense that she and Darius, who was randomly at the party too, connected on a spiritual level. At a party overflowing with Drake innuendos and shallow conversations, Nadine proved to be Yoda. Perhaps the credit goes to the weed, but she saw through all the nonsense.

By far the most fun I’ve had at a party in the past two years was Dave Chappelle’s Juke Joint in New Orleans for NBA All-Star Weekend in 2017. They put your phone in a pouch that can only be unlocked once you leave. The whole point is to omit the dependency we all have to want to be on our phones during a party. We always feel the need to Snap everything or put the “fun” part of our lives on Instagram. It’s superficial. And in the process we forget what we actually come to party for. It’s not even about us having fun. It’s making sure whoever follows us sees we’re having fun. We’re all guilty of it — myself included.

So, yes, Nadine was right. We’re all jaded by a lifestyle that, at best, is fleeting and, at worst, isn’t who we are to begin with. Who says marijuana has no redeeming qualities? Take that, Jeff Sessions.

WNBA champion Tamika Catchings talks entering the WNBA As well as the power speaking to young girls and her next chapter after basketball

Former WNBA standout Tamika Catchings has advice for women entering the WNBA out of this year’s draft.

“I think for the players coming in, just being able to live their dreams and take advantage of the opportunities that’s presented to them — take advantage of every opportunity …,” Catchings said.

The 2001 No. 3 draft pick also posted a memory of the day she was drafted by the Indiana Fever, where she spent her entire 15-year career.

“DRAFT DAY! Every yr when @wnba #DraftDay comes I’m reminded of my @IndianaFever journey & how blessed I’ve been! To ALL of the 2018 draftees, enjoy this day & dwell in the emotions that 2nt will bring! I’m excited for u and ur paths 2 greatness #TheBestIsYetToCome!”

Catchings led the Fever to the 2012 WNBA championship and picked up the Finals MVP award. She holds four Olympic gold medals and is a five-time WNBA Defensive Player of the Year and 10-time All-Star. In 2011, Catchings was voted by fans as one of the WNBA’s Top 15 Players of All Time.

The next chapter for Catchings includes running Catch the Stars Foundation, where she helps prepare youths “to catch their dreams one star at a time”; enjoying her newly purchased tea shop, Tea’s Me Cafe; handling the daily operations as the director of player programs and franchise development at Pacers Sports and Entertainment; and speaking to young girls.

Just ahead of the 46th anniversary of Title IX (June 23), the WNBA champion answered the call to speak to more than 300 middle and high school girls at the Second Annual Girl’s Summit, in celebration of the historic act hosted by the Memphis Grizzlies, the National Civil Rights Museum and the Women’s Foundation of the Mid-South in March.

“Well, for me, the WNBA wasn’t around, and that’s one thing I told them,” Catchings told The Undefeated. “You guys have a prime opportunity because you have the WNBA to aspire to be in. You have all these professional sports that will give you options to pick. Maybe I don’t want to play basketball; I want to play soccer. I want to do tennis, or golf, or whatever it is. You have all these different opportunities that you can strive to be, and you have role models.”

One of the things that stood out for Catchings at the event was being able to work with the Memphis Grizzlies.

“They’re so passionate about what they do,” Catchings said. “It makes it easy to come in and fit in and be in alignment with the things that they have going on. It’s a lot of fun. And then, of course, being able to impact kids no matter what city they’re from. Changing lives is something that I want to do, and that I hope that I can continue to do.”

An outspoken voice for women’s empowerment and equal opportunities for young girls, the University of Tennessee standout joined with the other panelists, including women’s soccer Olympic gold medalist Angela Hucles and University of Memphis standout and now assistant coach Bilqis Abdul-Qaadir, and spoke about opportunities, networking and availability.

Diane Terrell, vice president of community engagement and executive director of the Memphis Grizzlies Foundation, was thrilled about the event and Catchings’ presence.

“Everyone knows Tamika Catchings because she was a UT basketball star,” Terrell said. “I think most NBA teams can easily forget girls. But, you know, everybody now is talking about sort of playing multiple sports. I think the timing is right for an NBA team to start acting around other sports opportunities other than basketball. We’ve always done clinics. But this is really about more than basketball; this is about access and opportunities.”

According to her LinkedIn profile, Catchings hopes to be a general manager in the WNBA or NBA.

“It is something that I have dreamed about since college. Throughout my career, I have constantly been observing and studying different GMs so that when my chance comes I can be successful.”

Catchings spoke about family, passion and transitioning out of basketball.


What inspires you to keep going?

The cares of today and realizing that we are basically setting up what our future will look like. Lord willing, I’ll have kids and be able to have positive role models for my kids to look up to. I take every single day and every opportunity that I have to go out and to be a positive force in a lot of our kids’ lives, boys and girls, is really, that’s what inspires me. That’s what keeps me going. That’s what drives me every single day — just to be able to make an impact and to help to see the light.

Who was your role model growing up?

My role models were, honestly, my parents. My father played in the NBA, so being able to watch him and travel around a lot and did a lot of things with him. That was kind of first and foremost for me. And my mom, she’s absolutely amazing. Just wanting to be more like them. ’96 Olympic team was the first team — by then, I was a freshman in college. That was the first true woman team that I saw. From that, from watching them, that was kinda like, ‘Man, one day I wanna be like them. I want to grow up, and I want to play for my country, and I want to represent the USA team.’ Having them to kind of follow, that’s what inspired me.

Was your dad the first person to put a basketball in your hand?

Of course. He was playing when I was born. His last year was ’84. He played ’73 to ’84; I was born in ’79. Watching him, that was it.

When did you first know that you had the “basketball jones”?

I would say seventh grade. Seventh grade was the first time I made, like I had a dream. I want to play in the NBA. I want to be like my dad. I want to follow in his footsteps. That’s kind of where it started, and then from there it just became life. I actually talked about that today. Basketball is life. That’s kind of what we strive to do.

How do you feel being at the forefront of being a league that really prompted a huge movement centered around social justice?

I was the president of the Players’ Association and to have so many ladies that were on the same page and to be able to voice and to have your voice heard is important. We all wanted to be able to share our voice and share the things that we believe in. I think to be able to have that, and to be able to have the platform to do that and the courage to do it, says a lot about not just me but our league as a whole and what we represent and what we stand for.

Do you miss being on the floor?

I do not.

How has transitioning into life after basketball been for you?

It’s been great. Just being able to do a lot of the things that I never thought I’d be able to do. I still work for Pacers Sports Entertainment. I still have the opportunity to be around the game, to be on the court and all of that, but being able to travel. I’m an ambassador for the NBA and the WNBA, so I still get to do a lot. … It’s given me a lot of opportunities. I think a lot of the opportunities have come because of being able to learn the life skills, the life lessons from being trained in basketball.

I bought a tea shop [Tea’s Me]. I love hot tea, cold tea, green tea, black tea and oolong. It’s awesome. I love it. I love making people happy, and tea makes people happy, and tea makes me happy.

What is coming up with you?

Lord knows. I feel like I’ve been able to do a lot of different things. It’s cool to be able to live life, and learn, and channel and impact people. Coming in and out, kinda keep it moving.

What do you tell WNBA players transitioning out?

For the ones that are transitioning out, same thing. It’s kind of crazy. You hope that you’ve instilled a lot of things and have taught them a lot of things about what they’re going to be doing. Staying in contact with people. For us when our careers end, it really is about transitioning into another world and trying to figure out what that looks like. So hopefully you can figure that out while you’re playing so the transition is maybe a little bit easier.

Above the rim: Best fictional starting 5s in the history of film + TV A completely impossible yet intriguing list of matchups only feasible in a basketball fantasyland

Who would win in a one-on-one between Michael Jordan and LeBron James? Could these Golden State Warriors beat the 72-10 Chicago Bulls? How many more titles could Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant have won if they actually liked each other? What if injuries never robbed the careers of Penny Hardaway, Grant Hill, Brandon Roy and Derrick Rose? There’s nothing quite like nostalgia. And when it comes to nostalgia in basketball, friendships are tested, battle lines are drawn and some of the hottest takes known to man fly off without a moment’s notice.

With the NBA playoffs set to take flight this weekend, we’ve decided to bring another completely impossible yet intriguing matchup only feasible in a basketball fantasy land.

The best to ever do it on television, vs. on film. We kept this to purely fictional players. NBA players in TV or film roles were not eligible, because what fun would that be? For example, no Jesus Shuttlesworth (Ray Allen) from He Got Game, no Grandmama (Larry Johnson) from Family Matters or Neon Boudeaux and Butch McRae (O’Neal and Hardaway) from Blue Chips. Don’t trip, though, because there’s a melody of skill, charisma and enough comedy to give you flashbacks to the days of MTV Rock N’ Jock. This is a mini-draft equipped with a starting five, a sixth player and head coach. We’ll then let you decide who’d win this fictional Finals. Our own Justin Tinsley has television and Aaron Dodson has movies.

Those are the rules. We good? Good. Now let’s get to it …

TELEVISION

“Will Smith” (Will Smith)

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Scouting Report: We’re always left to wonder what would’ve become of the Will character had he landed the Georgetown scholarship, completing the most feared college backcourt ensemble in history with Allen Iverson, Victor Page and Kyle Lee Watson. Smith’s a big combo guard who can score at will (pun intended). There are very few holes in The Fresh Prince’s game — except for one. Several general managers have expressed concern for his decision-making in crunch time, evident in The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air’s Courting Disaster” (season one, episode 11) and My Brother’s Keeper (season two, episode 15). Is he the cold-blooded killer you need in the game’s tightest moments? Even with that, The Prince is a franchise-caliber talent.

Steve Urkel (Jaleel White)

Family Matters

Scouting Report: In the “Grandmama” episode — season five, episode seven — Eddie Winslow dumped Urkel to play with The Spider, which allowed Urkel to call in reinforcements with Larry Johnson as “Grandmama.” To Eddie’s credit, Spider was nice. But we’re not making the same mistake, as The Nerd’s game is both technically sound and visually appealing.

Brandi (Kyla Pratt)

Smart Guy

Scouting Report: The year 1998 was a rather definitive one for Kyla Pratt, basketballwise. Not only did she play a young Monica Wright in Love & Basketball, giving young Quincy McCall the business on the court, but months later in “She Got Game” — season three, episode one of Smart Guy — she did the same thing, minus TJ (Tahj Mowry) pushing her into the bushes. “Brandi,” after some persuading, joins TJ’s squad, instantly transforming the team and supplanting TJ as the squad’s best player. Instant offense. Instant culture change. Instant winner with a chip on her shoulder.

Mark Cooper (Mark Curry)

Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper

Scouting Report: The Mr. Cooper character has two things working for him that no one else on this squad does. One, he’s a former NBA player (for his hometown Golden State Warriors). And two, he brings a certain maturity level this team is going to need if we’re hoping to make any sort of noise.

Kevin Hart

Real Husbands of Hollywood

Scouting Report: Technically, Kevin wasn’t a hooper on Real Husbands of Hollywood. But as a four-time NBA Celebrity All-Star Game MVP (and co-star of a hilarious basketball game with Chris Brown), he’s my ringer. We’re going to be running a small-ball lineup much of the time, so we’re going to need as many ball handlers, shooters and comedians as possible. Basically, call it The Annexation of Puerto Rico 2.0.

Sixth man: Martin Payne (Martin Lawrence)

Martin

Scouting Report: He’s an undersized 2-guard whose confidence is nothing short of irrational. But that’s fine. Payne is a defibrillator jolt of energy off the bench. He’s never met a shot he didn’t like. He doesn’t mind mixing it and jawing with the competition. And since he’s the classic definition of a streaky shooter, you take the good with the bad. He’s basically J.R. Smith with Gary Payton’s mentality. The only question mark to his game is where his head’s at before tipoff. If he and Gina — or worse, he and Pam — got into an argument beforehand (which is like saying “if water is wet”) he can easily shoot you out of a game as quickly as he can hit three miracle buckets in a row.

Coach: Avon Barksdale (Wood Harris)

The Wire

Scouting Report: This squad is going to need a no-nonsense general on the sidelines who can occasionally verbally decapitate a referee who misses a call — as seen in the brilliant “Game Day” episode from season one. The reports are true, though. I nearly went with Prop Joe, whose commitment to being the dope-game Pat Riley wearing a suit in Baltimore heat was only superseded by the iconic line “Look the part, be the part, m—-f—–!” But then that’d mean Joe’s nephew, “Cheese” (Method Man), would be somewhere near the team. And I can’t have Cheese near my squad. Nope. No how. No way.

FILM

Calvin Cambridge (Shad “Bow Wow” Moss)

Like Mike

Scouting Report: There’s one rule for my squad: no team sneakers. Every player has the free rein to break out whatever heat they so choose, especially the young god Calvin Cambridge. He’ll be wearing a pair of white and Carolina blue Nike Blazers, which used to belong to Michael Jordan when he was a kid, giving him the ability to ball out like the greatest of all time. The kicks even allow Calvin — at a modest 4 feet 8 inches — to dunk the ball (in Like Mike, he won the 2002 NBA Slam Dunk Contest). Who needs a point guard with fundamentals when you’ve got one with shoes that have magical powers zapped into them by lightning?

Monica Wright (Sanaa Lathan)

Love & Basketball

Scouting Report: Sorry, Quincy McCall, but you didn’t make the team. That’s because his childhood sweetheart, Monica Wright, was without a doubt a better hooper in 2000’s Love & Basketball, one of the most iconic black films of all time. Remember the movie’s timeless line? “All’s fair in love and basketball.” Well, what isn’t there to love about Monica’s game? She’s an athletic point guard who plays with a whole lotta swag. Just look at her No. 32 jersey, which she wears in honor of her favorite player, Los Angeles Lakers legend Magic Johnson. Her character also earned a starting job at USC as a freshman, won a championship overseas and became one of the WNBA’s first players. We need that pedigree in our backcourt.

Kyle Lee Watson (Duane Martin)

Above the Rim

Scouting Report: Yup, we’re employing a three-guard offense — and we’re running it through the sharpshooting Kyle Lee Watson. The at-times hotheaded baller made it out of the ’hood of Harlem, New York, and all the way to the Hilltop in Washington, D.C., at Georgetown University, where he played in the 1990s for what was once known as black America’s basketball team, under John Thompson Jr., the first African-American head coach to win an NCAA title. We just gotta hope that when he gets the rock, he spreads his fingers and puts some rotation on his jumper.

Clarence Withers, aka Coffee Black (Andre 3000)

Semi-Pro

Scouting Report: Back in 1976, during an ABA game between the San Antonio Spurs and Flint Tropics, the first alley-oop in basketball history was recorded. “A very unusual series of moves just made the ball go in,” play-by-play announcer Dick Pepperfield uttered in awe that day. On the receiving end of the pass from the top of the key by Jackie Moon? None other than Clarence Withers (aka Coffee Black, aka Downtown “Funky Stuff” Malone, aka Sugar Dunkerton, aka “Jumping” Johnny Johnson), who’s listed at only 5 feet, 10 inches but has supreme bounce to go along with his picked-out Afro. Between Coffee Black and Calvin Cambridge, we might as well refer to the movie team from here on out as the new Lob City.

Cochise (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs)

Cooley High

Scouting Report: *Cues up G.C. Cameron’s original rendition of “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday”* Long before the real-life deaths of star hoopers Benji Wilson and Len Bias, the basketball world lost a great one in Richard “Cochise” Morris, from the 1975 film Cooley High. Cochise received a scholarship to play at the historically black Grambling State University but was killed before he could graduate from high school. Let’s just say that his tragic death never happened, making him a valuable addition to our roster.

Sixth Man: Antoine Tyler (Kadeem Hardison)

The Sixth Man

Scouting Report: We’ve got skill, athleticism and, most importantly, a higher being on our side. There’s no better sixth man for our squad than Antoine Tyler, who in the 1997 film The Sixth Man helped lead his younger brother Kenny Tyler (Marlon Wayans) and the Washington Huskies basketball team to an NCAA championship as a guardian angel after suffering a heart attack on the court and dying. At the end of the movie, Antoine ascended to heaven to ball for God’s team, but hopefully he’ll return to help us out.

Coach: Ken Carter (Samuel L. Jackson)

Coach Carter

Scouting Report: If there’s one man who wouldn’t back down to the street savant-turned-basketball coach known as Avon Barksdale, it’s Ken Carter. Inspired by a real person, and depicted by Samuel L. Jackson in the 2005 film of the same name, Coach Carter barred his entire team (which was undefeated, mind you) from playing in games because his players were failing classes. The community turned against Carter, who nearly lost his job, when what he wanted was for every player to go to college, even if basketball was a casualty. Win or lose, Coach Carter would probably have Avon doing suicides and pushups, out of principle alone.