Lonzo Ball struggled in first NBA game and other news of the week The Week That Was Oct. 16-20

Monday 10.16.17

Just being unusually cruel at this point, the Kansas City Chiefs signed running back C.J. Spiller for the fourth time in eight months; Spiller has been cut by the team three times in the past month. San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, hitting his stride, called President Donald Trump a “soulless coward” and “pathological liar” and said the president is “unfit intellectually, emotionally and psychologically to hold this office.” Sacramento Kings rookie guard De’Aaron Fox, who is from New Orleans and has family in Houston, said he didn’t buy a Tesla to be environmentally friendly because “all I know is I’ll die before this earth is uninhabitable, so it isn’t about the environment.” Free-agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick is using Trump, who once essentially sued the NFL for collusion and was awarded a whopping $3, as evidence that league owners colluded to keep him unemployed. New York Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia yelled, “F— outta here” at Houston Astros batter Josh Reddick after Reddick was tagged out at first base.

Tuesday 10.17.17

The Carolina Panthers told quarterback Brad Kaaya … sigh … bye, Felisha. Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid, not trusting the process, called his early season minutes restriction “f—ing bulls—.” Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee, who once credited his 100-pound weight loss to “six weeks at a concentration camp,” said teams won’t hire Kaepernick for the “Same reason a hospital wouldn’t hire Typhoid Mary-when you kill off your customers U go out of biz!” Former Los Angeles Lakers guard Marcelo Huertas called NBA players “babies” who “everyone is afraid of dealing with”; the 34-year-old spent just two seasons with the Lakers, averaging a paltry 2.9 points per game on 40 percent shooting in 76 games. Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James said he would “foul the s— out of” his 13-year-old son if he played him in the NBA a decade from now. Bone Thugs-N-Harmony member Wish Bone warned former Cavaliers guard Kyrie Irving that fans could “put hands on him” for disrespecting the city and his Uncle Charles, y’all. A Spurs fan, most likely a supporter of “the troops,” burned team gear in response to the comments made by Popovich, who served five years in the Air Force. Anna Horford, the outspoken sister of Boston Celtics forward Al Horford, called adult film star turned sports commentator Mia Khalifa a “dumb b—-” for the latter’s Civil War-inspired tweet about Celtics forward Gordon Hayward’s grotesque ankle injury.

Wednesday 10.18.17

After orchestrating a boneheaded move of the St. Louis Rams to Los Angeles, being photographed with women who were not his wife, reportedly impeding the contract negotiation of league commissioner Roger Goodell and personally involving Trump in the anthem controversy, owner Jerry Jones and the Dallas Cowboys were awarded the 2018 NFL draft. The Cleveland Browns, shockingly one of two winless teams left in the league, announced another quarterback change just one week after announcing a quarterback change.

Fox News commentator Tomi Lahren wants to know what exactly NFL players are kneeling for during the national anthem. Former New York Knicks forward Carmelo Anthony, not specifying whether they were triangle-shaped tortilla chips or Doritos, said former Knicks president Phil Jackson was willing “to trade me for a bag of chips.” Goodell, missing the forest for the trees, said he wants to “make sure we are understanding what the players are talking about” when it comes to protests but wants to “put that at zero” in terms of the number of players kneeling. Minnesota Timberwolves coach Tom Thibodeau, astonishingly being handed the keys to the Ferrari again despite crashing the last one, said he will continue to play his young players heavy minutes because “you have to make sure that there’s no shortcut to the success. The work has to go into it. I believe in work.” Chicago Bulls forward Bobby Portis was suspended eight games for what the team considered a “fight,” despite one person walking out unscathed and the other, forward Nikola Mirotic, suffering “facial fractures and a concussion.” Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shad Khan, the next contestant on the Summer Jam screen, said Trump continuously attacks the NFL because he’s “trying to soil a league or a brand that he’s jealous of”; Khan, not getting off that easy, donated $1 million to Trump’s inauguration earlier this year.

Thursday 10.19.17

Nothing is real anymore, as former first-round NBA draft pick Yi Jianlian never actually worked out against a chair 10 years ago. Hip-hop artist DMX, a fan of “Cocoa Puff sweet” women, apparently eats Booty O’s cereal, the derrière-inspired breakfast meal of WWE superstars The New Day. Los Angeles Clippers guard Patrick Beverley, after holding Los Angeles Lakers guard Lonzo Ball to just three points in his debut game, said he wanted to “welcome his little young a– to the NBA” and later called Ball a “weak a– m—–f—–.” LaVar Ball, Lonzo’s father, later asked, “Who is Patrick Beverley?” and said the sixth-year, All-Defensive first-team player “still don’t have your own shoe.” Lakers fan Snoop Dogg, formerly Snoop Lion, said Lonzo’s “daddy put him in the lion’s den with pork chop drawers on.” NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley, in midseason form, referred to French-born Knicks rookie Frank Ntilikina as “the brother from Africa” because he couldn’t pronounce his last name. Hours after being ejected from the Thursday Night Football game for yoking up a referee to protect his cousin-who-is-not-really-his-cousin, Kansas City Chiefs cornerback Marcus Peters, Oakland Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch rode a Bay Area Rapid Transit train throughout Oakland while Raiders fans, and Lynch, yelled, “F— the Chiefs” at Peters.

Friday 10.20.17

Trump, not letting this go, asked his supporters to show their “patriotism and support” by signing an online “Stand for the National Anthem” petition. The Washington Nationals, not likers of nice things, fired manager Dusty Baker despite a 192-132 record and two National League East titles the past two seasons. The NFL really, really, really wants to suspend Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott. Former NFL cornerback Brandon Browner has more arrests (two) in the past five months than games played (0) the past two seasons. Oklahoma City Thunder center Vagrant Jason Momoa Steven Adams, known to eat two to three dinner entrées in one sitting, called Utah Jazz center Rudy Gobert a “tough pickle” before their teams’ game.

A Dolphins coach snorted white powder off his desk and other news of the week The Week That Was Oct. 9-13

Monday 10.09.17

Miami Dolphins offensive line coach Chris Foerster — a wild boy — recorded himself snorting multiple lines of white powder off his desk, telling a woman who is not his wife, “I miss you a lot” and that he wishes he could snort the white powder with her but “you have to keep that baby,” and letting the woman, a Las Vegas model, know he wishes he could lick the white powder off her private parts. A Texas official who last month referred to two black prosecutors as “a couple of n—–s” rescinded his resignation letter from Friday because, according to an assistant district attorney, “he is unstable.” Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid earned a $148 million contract for 31 days of work in three years. Studio executive Harvey Weinstein begged his Hollywood friends to “send a letter … backing me, getting me the help and time away I need, and also stating your opposition to the board firing me” before he was eventually fired by the board of The Weinstein Company. The vice president of diversity and inclusion at Apple, which took four years to make black emojis, said that “there can be 12 white, blue-eyed blond men in a room and they’re going to be diverse too.” Former NFL head coach Mike Ditka, who is 77 years old and not a reader of books, said that “there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that I know of.”

Tuesday 10.10.17

Former NFL receiver Steve Smith Sr., making clear that he respects “my elders,” told Ditka to “go sit ur dumb a$$ down somewhere.” President Donald Trump, known tax expert, threatened to “change tax law” for the NFL despite the league dropping its tax-exempt status two years ago. The president also challenged Secretary of State Rex Tillerson to an IQ contest. A Texas high school, still not quite getting it, will change its name from Robert E. Lee High School to Legacy of Educational Excellence High School, or LEE High School. In news that will affect absolutely no one because surely no one visits that site, hackers have attempted to spread malware through adult site Pornhub. The Colorado Springs, Colorado, police used a robot to blow a hole in the house of a man who had fired a gun in response to a 13-year-old boy … breaking a tree branch. Fox News host Sean Hannity, who welcomed former Fox News host Bill O’Reilly on his show two weeks ago, called out liberals for their “massive, inexcusable hypocrisy” in light of the sexual harassment allegations against Weinstein, a longtime Democratic donor. Complex Media, reinventing the wheel, gave former adult entertainer Mia Khalifa and former gun-toting NBA player Gilbert Arenas an online sports talk show. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey, laughing at us poors, once deposited a $2 million check at a bank just to do it.

Wednesday 10.11.17

Oklahoma City Thunder forward Carmelo Anthony yells, “Get the f— out of here” when he grabs rebounds. Fans of hip-hop artist Eminem, known for controversial lyrics depicting rape, substance abuse, domestic violence and anti-gay slurs, have finally had it with the rapper after he dissed Trump during a BET rap cypher. New Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving, who will be in for a rude awakening after his first bad game in the city, said moving to Boston is “playing in a real, live sports city.” Weinstein, currently accused of sexually harassing or assaulting over a dozen women over the past 30 years, is somehow “profoundly devastated” that his wife of 10 years announced she is leaving him. Dallas Cowboys players, drawing a line in the sand, played Eminem’s freestyle rap, in which he calls Trump a “b—-,” and rapper YG’s “FDT,” an acronym for “F— Donald Trump,” in the team locker room after a meeting with owner Jerry Jones regarding kneeling during the national anthem. Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke, working for an administration that approved the Dakota Access pipeline, invoked “native Indians” while arguing against the removal of Confederate monuments, saying that “when you try to erase history, what happens is you also erase how it happened and why it happened and the ability to learn from it.”

Thursday 10.12.17

Oakland Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch said it would be an “unfair advantage” to play tennis against Serena Williams, and when asked if it was because Williams was pregnant, Lynch responded, “No, n—a, that it’s Serena Williams, m—–f—–.” Texas A&M, Jay-Z-level shooting out of its league, is interested in poaching head coach James Franklin from 6-0 Penn State. Michael “Thriller Eyes” Jordan says he smokes six cigars a day. Russian agents, who have apparently never heard of Grand Theft Auto, used Pokémon Go to “exploit racial tensions” in America ahead of the 2016 presidential election. Trump supporters Diamond and Silk responded to Eminem’s anti-Trump freestyle with their own, telling the rapper to “stop crying like a baby and a little b—-.” The owners of the home featured in Breaking Bad have erected a 6-foot-high fence because fans of the former AMC show keep throwing pizzas on their roof. Jane Skinner Goodell, the wife of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and an apparent Kevin Durant fan, has been using an anonymous Twitter account on websites like NBC Sports and ESPN.com to defend her husband. The makers of adult films SpongeKnob SquareNuts and Strokémon announced plans to create an erotic spoof of popular adult cartoon Rick and Morty aptly called … well, you can guess. Rep. Jim Lucas (R-Indiana), an idiot, thinks journalists should be licensed like gun owners because “if I was as irresponsible with my handgun as the media has been with their keyboard, I’d probably be in jail.”

Friday 10.13.17

The Jacksonville Jaguars defensive backfield is deciding between “Alcatraz,” “Pick-fil-a” and “Jackson 5” for its new nickname. Online residential rental company Airbnb, an alternative to hotels, will open its own apartment building to be used for tenants to rent out their space, much like hotels. NFL Hall of Famer O.J. Simpson, fresh out, is already, ironically, doing memorabilia signings. New York Giants coach Ben McAdoo, leading a team that was 0-5 when it had the best receiver in the league, is somehow flummoxed that “there is nobody giving us a chance in hell to win” their next game. Jones, the Cowboys owner who told his players they were forbidden from kneeling during the anthem, said running back Ezekiel Elliott, accused of domestic violence, was not treated “in a fair way” after being suspended by the league. Hip-hop artist Waka Flocka Flame, who once said that if he could go back and finish high school he would study geometry, and is definitely black, said, “I’m damn sure not black. You’re not gonna call me black.”

Daily Dose: 10/2/17 O.J. Simpson is released; mass shooting in Vegas

Hey, gang, it’s been a rough weekend, but on Monday I’ll be on Around The Horn if you’re interested in that: 5 p.m. Eastern time on ESPN, kiddos. Might be my second win of all time, but I doubt it, haha.

O.J. Simpson is out of jail. No matter what you may think of his ability to walk this earth as a free man, dude is definitely back on the street. It’s sort of a weird feeling, considering why he went in to begin with was a bit dicey and lots of people feel like he was doing a prison sentence for something he was already acquitted of, fairly or not. That said, what he does now is definitely of interest to a decent part of the nation. My personal opinion is that he’ll have a wildly popular podcast that will bring him mucho cash. Alas. And he likes McDonald’s, apparently.

Las Vegas is mourning. Last night, during a concert in an open-air venue, a man started firing upon the crowd and killed more than 50 people in the deadliest mass shooting in American history. It’s terrifying, it’s awful, it’s gross and it’s not remotely unusual if we’re being honest with ourselves. Authorities are calling him a lone wolf, which isn’t really of a whole lot of importance to the families of the dead, along with us looking to not get shot by a maniac with too many guns. Guns kill people. That’s what they’re made to do.

Recently, there was a tragedy at Yankee Stadium. A kid got hit by a foul ball in a scene that was entirely too real for some people just looking to enjoy a ballgame. Since then, there have been calls to put up screens all around ballparks, a move that I personally think would really affect the game-day experience but ultimately would make us all far more safer. As for the girl who was hit, she’s effectively got a broken face and also had bleeding on her brain. Please pay attention at baseball games, folks. It could save your life.

I like fantasy sports. As a matter of fact, I’ve got a fantasy NHL draft tonight. But how these fantasy games affect the players themselves is always an interesting quandary. I remember a couple of years back when the NFL’s Chris Cooley said he was really pumped to score three touchdowns in a game because he knew it would help him win his fantasy matchup that day. That was a real live football player talking about something that happens only inside of computers, which is hilarious. You know who doesn’t care about fantasy football? Richard Sherman.

Free Food

Coffee Break: Watching a woman dunk a basketball is an interesting thing. Because we see it so rarely, whenever it happens, people tend to lose their minds. People also tend to think that because of the lack of dunks, women’s basketball is inferior. That’s wrong, but dunking could bring an element to the game that people would love.

Snack Time: Lacrosse is a very white sport. Why, who knows, but the culture around the game is one that borders on discriminatory at best. This story about a lawsuit re: participation in Philly is fascinating.

Dessert: New Quavo and Travis Scott? Yes and no, but it’s coming.

DeMarcus Cousins said Trump needs to ‘get his s–t together’ and other news of the week The Week that was Sept. 25- 29

Monday 09.25.17

A Pittsburgh fire chief said he regrets adding Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin to his “list of no good N—–s” on his Facebook page and wants to apologize because “This had nothing to do with my Fire Department” and “My fire department should have never been dragged into this.” Republican Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, very on brand in a leather vest and cowboy hat, pulled a (tiny) gun out during a political rally. Donald Trump Jr. posted a map that supposedly showed an overwhelming number of Americans who supported NFL players standing over kneeling with the caption “where else have I seen this???”; the map was county-level results from the 2016 presidential election. A Texas pastor said NFL players “ought to be thanking God” that they live in a country where they don’t have to worry about “being shot in the head for taking a knee.” New Orleans Pelicans center DeMarcus Cousins, who has the most technical fouls in the league since 2010, said Trump “needs to get his s— together.” Former New England Patriots offensive lineman Matt Light, a teammate of convicted murderer Aaron Hernandez for two seasons, said after some New England players knelt during the national anthem on Sunday, “It’s the first time I’ve ever been ashamed to be a Patriot.” Retired college football coach Lou Holtz, who is white, said he doesn’t understand why black athletes demonstrate during the national anthem because “I’ve been unfairly ticketed. I was given a ticket when I didn’t exceed the speed limit, because I was coaching at one school, and the patrol officer graduated from the other.”

Tuesday 09.26.17

Four assistant basketball coaches from Arizona, Auburn, Oklahoma State and the University of Southern California — which, combined, make more than $300 million in total revenue across all sports and do not pay players — were arrested on federal corruption charges for taking thousands of dollars in bribes to direct college players to certain sports agents and financial advisers. New York Giants owner John Mara, who continually employed a kicker who abused his wife and didn’t sign Colin Kaepernick because of possible fan protest, said he is

very unhappy” that Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. simulated a dog urinating on the field on Sunday. To make room for more terrible sports and Insecure takes, Twitter will increase its famed 140-character limit to 280. Another person left the Trump administration, and another former member of the administration has hired a lawyer. Professional wrestling legend and Wilt Chamberlain rival Ric Flair estimates that he had sex with 10,000 women: “I wish I hadn’t said that because of my grandkids,” Flair said in an upcoming ESPN documentary.

Wednesday 09.27.17

Longtime adult actor Ron Jeremy doubts Flair had relations with that many women: “It’s very difficult to get numbers like that.” Los Angeles Chargers unofficial mascot Boltman said he risked being beaten “like Rodney King” by the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department after he refused to remove his mask at last weekend’s home game. A bar in Missouri, a state for which the NAACP has issued a travel advisory for people of color, displayed recently purchased NFL jerseys of Marshawn Lynch and Kaepernick as doormats with the two jerseys spelling out “Lynch Kaepernick.” Another airline was caught violently dragging a customer off one of its airplanes. A Madison, Wisconsin, gyro shop worker was charged with “first-degree reckless endangerment … possession of cocaine with intent to deliver and carrying a concealed weapon” after he shot a man at his place of work when the man tried to run off with $1,300 worth of cocaine without paying for it; “Dude shot me in the back,” the “victim” told police. Taken actor Liam Neeson, two weeks after announcing his retirement from action movies because “Guys, I’m 60-f—ing-five,” said he’s not retiring from the genre and that “I’m going to be doing action movies until they bury me in the ground.” Trump, who was an owner in the USFL, which folded after just three seasons, said the NFL is “going to hell” unless it prohibits players from kneeling during the national anthem. Former action “star” Steven Seagal, currently a resident of Moscow, said demonstrations during the national anthem were both “outrageous” and “disgusting.”

Thursday 09.28.17

Hours after posing an anti-DUI video on Instagram with the hashtag #dontdrinkanddrive, a Los Angeles police officer, under suspicion of driving under the influence, caused a three-car crash that killed three people. Trump, blowing a dog whistle so loud a deaf man could hear it, said NFL owners, some of whom are his “friends,” don’t punish players who kneel during the national anthem because “they are afraid of their players.” During the all-male Presidents Cup tournament, the PGA Tour, still trying to rid its long-held sexist label, held a cook-off among WAGs (wives and girlfriends) of the competitors. Reality TV star Rob Kardashian, per a lawsuit, accused former girlfriend Blac Chyna of smashing his gingerbread house during a December 2016 incident. Just hours after Georgia Tech football coach Paul Johnson joked that he was glad “that we were with Russell [Athletic]” when the Adidas and college basketball corruption case news broke, Russell Athletic announced it will “transition away from the team uniform business”; Georgia Tech will switch to Adidas in 2018. A Canadian woman who tattooed purple dye into her eyeball may lose her sight in the eye; “I took my eyesight for granted,” the woman said. Philadelphia 76ers guard Ben Simmons, just piling on at this point, called Trump an “idiot” and a “d—head.” In “it’s about respect for the military” news, the message “go home n—–” was written on the whiteboard of a black cadet at the Air Force Academy Preparatory School.

Friday 09.29.17

Proving what we already knew, Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving said teammate Gordon Hayward and coach Brad Stevens “have an unspoken language already.” Cleveland Cavaliers guard Dwyane Wade said it was not his idea to ride on the back of a banana boat with Gabrielle Union, LeBron James and Chris Paul: “I remember saying, ‘Guys, I didn’t wanna get on there,’ but, you know, peer pressure.” Trump, who aced geography in college, said Puerto Rico is “an island. Surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water.” Former Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who recently received a presidential pardon after being convicted for essentially racial profiling Latinos, traveled to California to continue his investigation of former President Barack Obama’s birth certificate. Former NFL player Chad Johnson, who once legally changed his last name to “Ochocinco” because he thought it was Spanish for “85,” compared the NFL’s “whitewashing” of protests during the national anthem to “a goddamn Ice Bucket Challenge.” Third-graders in the Washington, D.C., area said they don’t like Trump because “ever since he was president a lot of bad things have been happening,” “Trump doesn’t like black people and Hillary Clinton does,” and because “he’s orange.” Another person resigned from the Trump administration.

‘Ballers’ recap: Oakland? Miami? Las Vegas? Spencer is home again In the season finale, everybody’s looking for a new start

SEASON THREE, EPISODE 10 | “YAY AREA” | SEPT. 24

There’s no question that Marshawn Lynch would pour up some Hennessy with Spencer Strasmore. Because, in the end, Spencer did everything he could to prevent the NFL from turning its back on The Town.

In the first nine episodes of season three of Ballers, Spencer (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) dedicates himself to leading the charge on relocating the Oakland Raiders from the Bay Area to Las Vegas (which was approved in the real-life NFL earlier this year). In Sunday’s season finale, however, Spencer experiences a huge change of heart after his business partner, Las Vegas hotel tycoon Wayne Hastings Jr. (Steve Guttenberg), pulls a last-minute okeydoke by pledging his checkbook and resources to a competing group also seeking to deliver the NFL to Sin City.

Yet in a presentation in front of NFL owners and executives, including the beautifully cutthroat Candace Brewer (Emayatzy Corinealdi) — the only woman and person of color on the committee of league representatives, mind you — Spencer, Joe Krutel (Rob Corddry), their boss Brett Anderson (Richard Schiff) and his deep-pockets little brother Julian Anderson (Steven Weber), who’s called in at the 11th hour for reinforcement, explain why “the reality is, the Oakland Raiders, they need to stay in Oakland.” His group argues against relocating a third NFL team in two years (after the Rams left St. Louis and the Chargers left San Diego) by proposing a new, state-of-the-art stadium to be built in Oakland, which would be privately funded.

After deliberation, the league approves the privately funded stadium — but in Las Vegas, not Oakland, leaving Spencer with a huge choice to make: Will he continue to support the Vegas push after the NFL screwed him out of his new Oakland plan? Or will he return to Miami to continue his work as the beloved financial and social adviser to NFL players?

Before the episode gets to what the future holds for Spencer, two of his clients, Ricky Jerret (John David Washington) and Charles Greane (Omar Benson Miller), reach the brink of huge decisions themselves. Charles takes a meeting with the Los Angeles Rams for the team’s open general manager position, while Ricky takes to his Instagram Stories, with his pregnant girlfriend, Amber, to announce his retirement from the NFL, telling the world that he’s picking a new life as a father over a “roller coaster of a career” full of concussions.

Although Brett and Julian Anderson don’t want to pass up on the opportunity to spearhead the construction of a new Raiders stadium in Las Vegas, Spencer chooses loyalty over money and power by backing out of the deal. He and Joe return to the Anderson Sports Management offices in Miami, where his team is packing up boxes under the impression that the company will be sold to fund the Las Vegas stadium. Yet Spencer announces that not only will the company be retained, but expansion across the country and to encompass more athletes from different sports is also in store.

But maybe as Charles moves up in the front-office ranks of the NFL, and Ricky moves on to a life after football, they won’t need an adviser anymore. We all know, however, that Spencer will still need them.

Daily Dose: 9/18/17 Marshawn Lynch making all the right moves

Donald Glover and Lena Waithe did it for the culture. At the 69th Emmy Awards, the true shining stars of the evening were rapper and actor Donald Glover and writer Lena Waithe, who made Emmy history with their wins. Glover made history in the outstanding directing for a comedy series category for his B.A.N. episode of the hit FX comedy Atlanta and also snagged a second award for lead actor in a comedy series. Waithe made history as the first African-American woman to win an Emmy for comedy writing. Waithe was awarded for co-writing the Thanksgiving episode of the Netflix original series Master of None with comedian and show creator Aziz Ansari. And while we’re at it, let’s all take a minute to thank Issa Rae’s support while “rooting for everybody black” and remaining unbothered as many accused the Insecure star of being a racist and black supremacist. But seriously, is black supremacy a thing? Asking for a friend.

“Spicey” Spicer does have a sense of humor after all. After resigning from his position as White House press secretary in July, Sean Spicer is living it up, and even making fun of himself in the process. In the Emmy Awards’ opening monologue, Spicer appeared on stage behind a moving podium, mimicking the Saturday Night Live sketch that features actress Melissa McCarthy as Spicer. Despite President Donald Trump saying SNL should be retired after he became a regular punchline, Spicer used it to his advantage. “This will be the largest audience to witness an Emmys, period, both in person and around the world,” Spicer said on stage. The bit received mixed reviews, but the overwhelming response by those in attendance seemed to be amusement.

Welcome home, Marshawn Lynch. The Oakland Raiders running back is living his best life, and we ain’t mad at him. During a timeout in the fourth quarter, with the Oakland Raiders up 35-13 over the New York Jets, the camera panned to a hyped Lynch giving the crowd the best moves he could muster during the first game in his hometown. Hand behind head, dreads flying, bobbing to the music and getting hyphy is how I want to start every day. Could it have been the Skittles bringing Beast Mode to new levels? My best guess would be yes. If so, I need some too.

Train up a child. In another one of Kobe Bryant’s post-retirement family videos, the greatest of all time (GOAT) is grooming his daughter for baby GOAT-hood. In the video, Kobe’s middle daughter, Gianna, is seen draining a shot from the right corner and dodging her dad’s defense to go for a layup. “Gigi working on that DianaTaurasi stroke #wristwork #wnbafinals we r hype for the rematch!” Kobe wrote in the caption. Stuntin’ like her daddy.

Marshawn Lynch was fined for flipping the bird and other news of the week The Week That Was Sept. 11-15

Monday 09.11.17

Musician Kid Rock, who is both the “KING OF DETROIT LOVE” and the creator of “Sweet Home Alabama,” said he is not racist because “I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE.” Right-wing radio host The White House, whose high-profile occupant believes the human body has “finite amount of energy,” went into lockdown after a yoga mat was thrown over the north fence. Cable morning show Fox & Friends, once compared to a children’s show by The New York Times, compared Sept. 11 memorials to those of the Confederacy. New Orleans Saints running back Adrian Peterson, who averaged just 2.5 yards per carry during the preseason and 1.9 per carry last season, said he wanted to run the ball up the Minnesota Vikings’ “Donkey” after rushing for 18 yards on six carries. An employee of the Chelan County (Washington) Emergency Management Department posted a meme of a stick figure being run over by a vehicle with the headline “ALL LIVES SPLATTER.” Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) was caught “liking” graphic pornography on his official Twitter account; the senator’s communications team said the “offensive tweet” was “posted” to Cruz’s account despite that not being how likes work on the social media platform.

Tuesday 09.12.17

Musician and habitual line-stepper R. Kelly attempted to promote new music by tweeting a message that said, “All it takes is one ‘yes’ to change your life” followed by a graphic of repeating “Noes” with a “Yes” nestled in the middle. A student loan refinancing company reportedly maintained a work environment where the (former) CEO slept with multiple employees who were not his wife; an executive drunkenly crashed his car after sexting a subordinate; and where colleagues had sex in parking lots and public restrooms, where multiple toilet seats had to be replaced. A separate company, once again proving you never eat at the company potluck, had one employee stop breathing and others fall severely ill after they ate a shrimp casserole. Golden State Warriors forward Kevin Durant, definitely not mad online, released a new NBA Finals-themed shoe that includes every critique directed at him over the past year imprinted on the insoles. Former NFL wide receiver Steve Smith,

who had 2,641 yards and 12 touchdowns in his six-year career, was nominated for the Pro Football Hall of Fame because voters confused him with five-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith Sr. Black conservative radio host Larry Elder, who once tweeted, “The welfare state has done more to destroy the black family than did slavery and Jim Crow,” tweeted, without a hint of irony, that “ ‘Uncle Tom’ is a more destructive pejorative than ‘n—–.’ The latter is an insult. The former stops blacks from independent thinking.”

Wednesday 09.13.17

The White House misspelled African-American Republican Sen. Tim Scott’s name as “Tom.” The Minnesota Vikings, a team that built a new stadium that kills a lot of birds, hired an 18-year-old author and public speaker to serve as its “Gen Z Advisor.” The New York media is upset that professional dancers and part-time athletes Odell Beckham Jr. and Russell Westbrook had a dance-off during a live Wyclef Jean performance. A day after Kid Rock told protesters in his hometown they “can protest deez nuts,” the Detroit Lions declined to comment on a season-ticket holder posting a photo of two African-American fans on his Facebook page with the caption “Ignorant n—–s.” A Shelby County (Tennessee) strip club, where in 2016 a man was shot in a restroom and left a paraplegic, turned out to be illegally owned by the county, a new lawsuit revealed; the establishment, formally named Babes of Babylon, was ordered shut down in 2011 after “drugs, assaults, and prostitution got so bad at the club.” Retired boxer Floyd Mayweather Jr., outside of the strip club he owns in Las Vegas, told an inanimate Hispanic puppet that he has seven girlfriends because “having one is too close to having none.” Hawaii walk-on quarterback Hunter Hughes had to twerk to the sounds of a trombone at a WWE event to earn a full athletic scholarship.

Thursday 09.14.17

Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie, who employed Michael Vick when the quarterback was released from prison after a dogfighting conviction, Riley Cooper after the receiver was caught on camera saying, “I will fight every n—– here,” and Wendell Smallwood after the running back was arrested for witness tampering related to a murder case, said he wouldn’t sign Colin Kaepernick because “I don’t think anybody who is protesting the national anthem … is very respectful.” Peterson, still not letting it go, said he “didn’t sign up for nine snaps” when he signed with the Saints this season despite the team already having a starting running back and a quarterback who threw for more than 5,200 yards last year. Oakland Raiders running back Marshawn Lynch, best known for repeatedly stating, “I’m here so I won’t get fined,” was fined $12,000 for “raising the middle finger on both hands” during last week’s game against the Tennessee Titans. Trump once called his attorney general, Jeff Sessions, disloyal and an “idiot” and told him to resign after a special counsel was appointed to lead the Russian investigation earlier this year. Wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, who recently was awarded $31 million for a sex tape he willingly participated in, called those without water and power in Florida because of Hurricane Irma “crybabies.”

Friday 09.15.17

Two weeks after being traded to the Indianapolis Colts, quarterback Jacoby Brissett, who has had only 13 days to learn the playbook and plays a different style from starter Andrew Luck, is expected to start for the 0-1 team. A former St. Louis police officer who reportedly yelled that he was “going to kill this m—–f—–” before fatally shooting an unarmed black man was found not guilty of first-degree murder. In completely unequivocally unrelated news, Kaepernick was named the NFL Players Association’s Community MVP after the first week of the season. Former White House strategist Steve Bannon wears no fewer than three shirts at all times; “Never two. N-e-v-e-r t-w-o,” his spokesperson said. Police officers in a Chicago suburb sold $10 raffle tickets at a Labor Day festival for the chance to win an AR-15-style semiautomatic rifle; the town banned assault weapons in 2013.

Daily Dose: 9/12/17 Apple unveils its newest iPhone and watch

Hey, gang, sorry for the late arrival Tuesday. Been dealing with a ton of stuff familywise, and you know how that goes. In other news, I’ll be appearing on Around The Horn both Wednesday and Thursday, so check it out!

Tuesday was Apple’s big day. Whenever the company rolls out new products, it’s global news, and this one was no different. Now there are three new iPhones, so if you want to be that person who stands in line for hours just to pay the nerd tax and have something first, then November will be your month. Personally, I’ll wait until prices come down to re-up, but that’s just me. The company also unveiled a new Apple Watch, for those of you looking to get your Penny from Inspector Gadget on. Here’s the rundown.

Remember Daniel Dae Kim? The guy who decided to walk from CBS’s Hawaii Five-O after they decided he wasn’t going to get paid as much as his white counterparts? Well, for one, that move was awesome. There’s absolutely no reason for that to happen, and calling their bluff was a boss move. Relatedly, remember the guy who walked away from the Hellboy reboot when he found out that his role was originally cast for an Asian-American character? That guy is awesome too. Well, his replacement is now Kim, which is just perfect.

When it comes to black folks on film, things aren’t easy. What you might not know is that the way the actual film is engineered, it’s not designed to highlight darker skin. So when it comes to how we look in major motion pictures, there is quite a bit of adjustment that has to happen to make things right. For HBO’s Insecure, the person tasked with that job is Ava Berkofsky, and this feature about how she pulls all that off is a fantastic look into one of the lesser known tasks in show-making.

The BIG3 is superfun. It’s not my particular brand of 3-on-3, but the fact that the league not only got off the ground but also managed some level of success is ultimately a good thing. Personally, I still think it could use some tweaks — the games are too long, and the 4-point shot is a bit ridiculous. But it’s definitely decent basketball, if you like watching old stars do their thing. Now, something novel has happened. One of the players is getting a tryout with an actual NBA franchise, which is borderline amazing.

Free Food

Coffee Break: If you’re a Star Wars fan like me, you know the people who direct the flicks are obviously superimportant. Holding onto the story’s canon while also spinning it forward is a very tricky maneuver for a franchise that’s so beloved by many. Well, now, J.J. Abrams is back on board.

Snack Time: The folks at Facebook aren’t playing when it comes to this reality show life. First, they launched Ball In The Family, which is tremendous. Now, they’ve signed up Marshawn Lynch. Fantastic idea.

Dessert: Here’s the best video you’ll see all day. Enjoy.