Allen Iverson suspended one game for missing a game and other news of the week The Week That Was July 31-Aug. 4

Monday 07.31.17

New York Jets safety Jamal Adams, drafted to a team that went 5-11 last season, told an audience “if I had a perfect place to die, I would die on the field.” Teammate Morris Claiborne, not to be outdone, said he too would “die out there on that football field.” Green Bay Packers tight end Martellus Bennett, on the other hand, “ain’t dying for this s—.” The Baltimore Ravens signed another quarterback who is not Colin Kaepernick. Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, trying so hard to encourage star forward LeBron James stay with the team, was approved to build a jail complex in Detroit. President Donald Trump tweeted “No WH chaos.” Six hours later, recently hired White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci, who is not dead, lost his job. Multiple White House officials, or “the best people,” were tricked into responding to emails from a British prankster. Twelve inmates broke out of an Alabama prison using peanut butter. University of Central Florida kicker Donald De La Haye was ruled ineligible by the NCAA for making YouTube videos.

Tuesday 08.01.17

Guests at a New York City hotel won’t stop having sex up against their room windows; “Guys are together, girls and girls are together. They don’t even pull the shades down,” one resident said. A congressional staffer instructed a group of interns to not leak a meeting with White House adviser Jared Kushner; it was immediately leaked. Hall of Fame basketball player Michael Jordan said eccentric helicopter dad LaVar Ball couldn’t “beat me if I was one-legged.” Ball, keeping his name in the news, said Patriots All-Pro tight end Rob Gronkowski “can’t hang with me back in my heyday.” “Marijuana moms” is a cute new name for mothers who like to smoke weed; meanwhile, the government still wants to arrest certain people for marijuana use. NASA is hiring a person to protect Earth from aliens. Former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said Kaepernick, who hasn’t publicly spoken in months, should not talk openly about his social activism if he wants another job. Recently retired NBA player Kobe Bryant is getting thick. Two planes designated to be the new Air Force 1 were originally scheduled to be sold to a Russian airline. Scaramucci, the former White House communications director, known for hits like “I want to f—ing kill all the leakers,” invested almost half a million into an anti-bullying musical. Trump called the White House “a real dump.”

Wednesday 08.02.17

NBA Hall of Famer and BIG3 player-coach Allen Iverson, who has played in just half of his team’s games, averaging 9.1 minutes and two points per game, has been suspended one game by the league for missing a recent game. The Ravens are interested in another quarterback not named Kaepernick. Former second overall NBA draft pick Darko Milicic punched a horse in the face. The NFL released a video defining acceptable (simulating sleep) and unacceptable (twerking, pelvic thrusts) celebrations for the upcoming season. California Highway Patrol officers responded to reports of a kangaroo on an interstate highway; it was a raccoon. A 10-year-old boy named Frank, who admires Trump’s “business background,” offered to mow the lawn of the White House … for free.

Thursday 08.03.17

Trump told Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto “I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den”; Trump lost New Hampshire. Dukes of Hazzard actor Tom Wopat was arrested for allegedly peeling the sunburned skin off the arm of a woman and putting his finger between the butt cheeks of another woman; in response to the allegations, Wopat responded “F— them all.” A third person was arrested in Kentucky for allegedly digging up the grave of one of the suspect’s grandmother in search of valuables; “He should have known better because he was there in the funeral and he knew she didn’t have much to start with,” a relative said.

In “boy, he about to do it” news, special counsel Robert Mueller impaneled a grand jury for his investigation into Russian interference in the last year’s presidential election. A New Jersey man, possibly an eggplant emoji kind of guy, was kicked out of a showing of The Emoji Movie for pleasuring himself in the back row of the theater. A London pub, aptly named the Cock Tavern, banned the use of profanity; a patron responded to the restriction: “That’s bulls—.” The Secret Service, charged with protecting Trump and his family, was evicted from Trump Tower in Manhattan. Gov. Jim Justice (D-West Virginia) will switch to the Republican Party; the state party’s Twitter account said Justice “would be the worst thing to happen to WV” before last year’s election and called him “low-energy” and “Sad!” an hour before news broke of the party change.

Friday 08.04.17

Former independent counsel Kenneth Starr, who unearthed the Monica Lewinsky affair while investigating former President Bill Clinton for something else, in response to the Russia investigation, said, “we don’t want investigators or prosecutors to go on a fishing expedition.” Former President Barack Obama was blamed by Attorney General Jeff Sessions for the “culture of leaking” currently ravaging the Trump administration. Los Angeles Clippers coach and president of basketball operations Doc Rivers, the architect of the Austin Rivers trade, was fired from and kept his job at the same time. Former welterweight champion Amir Khan, playing himself, accused his wife in a series of early morning tweets of cheating on him with heavyweight champion Anthony Joshua; Khan’s wife, Faryal Makhdoom Khan, responded by calling her husband a cheater, a 30-year-old baby, and accused him of sleeping with a prostitute in Dubai. Joshua responded to both set of tweets with a video snippet of Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” music video and a message that “I like my women BBW [Big Beautiful Women].”

Daily Dose: 7/25/17 Cavs owner Dan Gilbert apologizes to the city of Detroit

Some of y’all are still arguing over what happened with Lawrence on Insecure, but let’s not overlook the tremendous sweatshirt that Issa Rae was wearing at one point. If you want to know where to find it, it’s here.

You might know Dan Gilbert as the owner of the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers. But he’s also a big landowner in Detroit. And by landowner, I mean part of one of the bigger real estate undertakings in the Motor City. His company, Bedrock, posted the above ad for an office building downtown. Clearly, this is nowhere close to representative of what that city looks like, so the words of that slogan are doubly insulting. Well, Gilbert apologized. And it wasn’t just a my bad, it was actually pretty lengthy and detailed, so good for him, I guess.

Life can be a hassle. Staying organized, between identification, money and keys, is not exactly the easiest task. So what better way to handle one of those tasks than letting your employer embed a microchip in your hand, right? All you’ve got to do is swipe your claws around the office to get into the building, or to buy lunch! So, convenient, no? If my bank could do this so I didn’t have to carry money around, I’d consider it. But, for the most part, having the job to track your every movement is suboptimal for basically everyone on earth.

If you ever doubted that John McCain was an American hero, you can put that to rest. The Arizona senator — who was captured in Vietnam and held as a prisoner of war before going on to an illustrious political career, including a run for president — was diagnosed with brain cancer last week. But he’s coming back to the Senate on Tuesday because his nation needs him on the latest Republican health care bill. This isn’t just a matter of optics and symbolism — his vote is critical. He could be the difference in whether America takes care of itself.

Robert Griffin III has one more chance in the NFL. After he was run into the ground in Washington, thus torpedoing his career for one playoff win, he was forced to sit an entire season. Then he split with his wife, and before the divorce papers were dry he was having another baby with an Estonian heptathlete. Oh, and wearing suits on the beach. Now, the Los Angeles Chargers are going to bring him in for a workout. The issue wasn’t the talent most recently. It was the ability to stay on the field.

Free Food

Coffee Break: When I first heard “Shimmy Shimmy Ya” in a Samuel Adams ad, I wasn’t disappointed. Such is the life cycle of popular and transcendent music genres. Now, the RZA is teaming up with Chipotle to bring you original beats. You can make your own, too!

Snack Time: If you’ve ever wondered why Anthony Scaramucci was brought back to the White House after being rebuffed for a job the first time around? Well, he had to complete his “How to Act Like Donald Trump” training.

Dessert: When Curren$y drops new mixtapes, I keep you informed. Behold, The Champagne Files.